my poor heart is broken. we went to see some houses last night, the house that I have been referencing was one of them. that place is in no way habitable. there are no walls on the first floor, just skeletal wooden outlines strung through with electrical cord veins. there are holes in the floors and walls on the second floor. the big original windows have been removed in favor of new plastic windows of standard size. there is ruination everywhere you turn. water damage, fire damage, foliage, cat pee. when we went in, the back door was hanging open, to give you an example. there was no kitchen. the bathtub was not actually hooked up to water, the toilet was full of stagnant black water. the backyard was overgrown and smelled as though something had died out there, which is quite possible. I had intended to take pictures, but I was too distraught to even think about it.
in some places, the original tile and patterned wood floors were still intact. this made it hurt ten times more, to see what it must have been. off the bathroom was a sun room with the original stained glass windows which led onto a second story wooden porch that overlooked the backyard. this was the worst part, to me. I could picture it, restored. I could picture myself on a warm summer weekend, showering, putting a robe on, and enjoying my tea on the back porch with a book. I'm just devastated.
people who have actually lost babies will probably find what I am about to say insulting, but to me that is how this feels. I feel like I have lost an unborn child. I have spent the last three months of my life building this place up, imaging our future in it. and now it is all gone. the parties I will never have, the tea I will never drink on that patio. the pond we will never put in. the Christmas decorations I will never put up. it's just too sad.
I guess I'm just gonna have to win the lottery tonight. there's no other way I will ever have enough money to fix it. no-one would ever dream of buying it in its current condition, and if something isn't done soon it will have to be torn down. it's nearly unsafe to walk around in now.
we looked at two other houses. the first one was really weird and badly situated for parking. the third one was okay, but all the floors were done in linoleum from the 50s and the rooms were long but narrow. Chris kinda liked it, but I am not overly enamored with the idea. I don't really have much interest in putting a lot of work into a house that I don't intend to live in forever. so I guess we keep looking. Chris picked up some real estate fliers last night at QC, so I'm going through them and looking up the MLS numbers of those that seem promising. the only good thing, I think, about seeing that place was that it will now be easier to look at more mundane houses, seeing as that one is entirely out of the question without a whole lot of money.
the thing is, the people who have that place (which Chris and I have taken to calling The Hateful Property) only bought it last December for $65,000. I looked it up because I am a creepy stalker. so they probably bought it intending to flip it, tore everything up, and then got bored with it and decided to sell it "as is". why would anyone do that to this poor house? it makes me sick to think of it. just sick.
anyway, I'm gonna go look at other houses and try to take my mind off of it. and also look for Harry Potter themed snacks for our Harry Potter movie night tonight. I hope I am able to stay up, although this is doubtful considering I woke up at 7:45 this morning. I went to bed last night at 10:30, I was too distressed to stay awake any longer. you'll never guess what I dreamed about all night...