Friday, October 5, 2012

Does Size Matter?

Last night I finally bought the floral jeans I've been longing for since this post.  Well, not that exact pair, but floral jeans none the less. That's not really the point here.  The point is that they fit wonderfully. And they are a size 7.  And that makes me hate myself.  Sort of.

Now I know that a lot of people reading this are probably rolling their eyes or getting angry with me and thinking they'd be thrilled to be a size 7. And that's fine.  I realize I am being a little dramatic and unreasonable. But you've got to understand something.  Until about four ago, I was a size 0.  When I had to move up to size 1, I sneered a little but let it go without much issue.  When I had to buy a size 3, I was alarmed.  When I had to buy a size 5, I was disgusted and swore to never buy another pair of pants until I was back down to at least a 3.

And yet here I am, wearing a size 7.  Deplorable.  My 16 year old self would be so ashamed.  Heck, I am so ashamed.

But here's the thing - even though I am trying to tone up and even lose a little weight, I don't think I am THAT terribly awful to behold.  I don't FEEL like I should be in a size 7.  And I don't understand how, even if I lose the 15 pounds that I'd like to lose, my body would even conceivable fit into a size 0.  Like, even if you took everything off of me and tried to cram my skeleton into a size 0, I'm not sure my skeletal hips would fit.  So what happened?

Chris theorizes that it is hormones.  He thinks that when I stopped "starving myself" - his words, not mine - my body was able to finish going through puberty and my hips finally spread out into a more "womanly shape
instead of an emaciated 12 year old boy" - again, his words.  Chris, in case you can not tell, is a much bigger fan of my current body than he was of the previous version.  I think his theory is a little crazy and ridiculous, but what if he is right?

Me in size 0 pants - summer 2004
Does that mean I can never ever again have the tiny hips I desire?  Is this really such a big deal?  I am torn.  On one hand, the thought of losing that ability makes me very sad.  I look at a lot of fashion blogs (I'm looking at you, lookbook) and I see a lot of very skinny ladies and I remember when I looked like that and I am filled with longing.  On the other hand, as I said a few paragraphs ago, I don't think I look THAT bad right now.  And if I lose the weight I want to lose and tone the parts of me I want to tone, I think I'll look pretty darned good.

So really, there's no resolution to this.  I haven't had any revelations and I haven't suddenly learned to love myself the way I am.  I'm just trying to come to terms with myself.  And I'm posting this so that you'll understand where I'm coming from and go easy on me when I complain about calories and clothes and how frustrated I am that I've been holding steady at 127 pounds for the last month even though I now run and lift weights with relative consistence.  I'm just trying to figure things out.

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