Now I know that a lot of people reading this are probably rolling their eyes or getting angry with me and thinking they'd be thrilled to be a size 7. And that's fine. I realize I am being a little dramatic and unreasonable. But you've got to understand something. Until about four ago, I was a size 0. When I had to move up to size 1, I sneered a little but let it go without much issue. When I had to buy a size 3, I was alarmed. When I had to buy a size 5, I was disgusted and swore to never buy another pair of pants until I was back down to at least a 3.
And yet here I am, wearing a size 7. Deplorable. My 16 year old self would be so ashamed. Heck, I am so ashamed.
But here's the thing - even though I am trying to tone up and even lose a little weight, I don't think I am THAT terribly awful to behold. I don't FEEL like I should be in a size 7. And I don't understand how, even if I lose the 15 pounds that I'd like to lose, my body would even conceivable fit into a size 0. Like, even if you took everything off of me and tried to cram my skeleton into a size 0, I'm not sure my skeletal hips would fit. So what happened?
Chris theorizes that it is hormones. He thinks that when I stopped "starving myself" - his words, not mine - my body was able to finish going through puberty and my hips finally spread out into a more "womanly shape
instead of an emaciated 12 year old boy" - again, his words. Chris, in case you can not tell, is a much bigger fan of my current body than he was of the previous version. I think his theory is a little crazy and ridiculous, but what if he is right?
|Me in size 0 pants - summer 2004|
So really, there's no resolution to this. I haven't had any revelations and I haven't suddenly learned to love myself the way I am. I'm just trying to come to terms with myself. And I'm posting this so that you'll understand where I'm coming from and go easy on me when I complain about calories and clothes and how frustrated I am that I've been holding steady at 127 pounds for the last month even though I now run and lift weights with relative consistence. I'm just trying to figure things out.