Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Grounding


We recently found out that my grandfather has brain cancer.  It is an almost 2" tumor.  Two weeks of treatment would give him maybe three extra weeks, so he has decided against it.

I took Kaliel along when I went to visit him in the hospital.  Chris offered to keep her at home with him, and I know he must have thought that I was making things harder for myself by taking her.  But the fact of the matter is, my motivations were mostly selfish.  Yes, I knew he'd be happy to see her.  And yes, I knew she'd be happy to see him.  But more than that, I knew she would ground me.

She is an anchor.  She is my motivation.  She makes it so that even if I am sad or upset, I have to continue on and pull myself together.  Because no matter what happens, she still needs me to care for her.  I can feel these things, but I cannot fall apart or wallow.  I need to be there for HER, and that makes me stronger.

I know to some this may sound like a burden.  I once thought the same thing.  When Morgaine died, I idly pondered how I could possibly ever have a child.  Who would care for said child while I wept and gnashed my teeth for days on end?  I could never muster the strength.  Well, as it turns out, I can muster the strength.

This child of mine has changed me in ways I never could have imagined.